This is love

Puppy Dogs, Domestication, and Building a Future Together.

in-laws

I honestly don’t know why I even bother. 

As some of you may know, my in-laws are extremely difficult people. 

In the past few days I have felt compelled to send them photos of oliver, even a video, and I even encouraged Kelvin to facechat with them with the little dude. (Things I never do.)

And what do I get for being polite and including them in my life? Well my mother in law told my husband that

MIL “OLIVER HAS NO HAIR!” 

HUSBAND “YES HE DOES! HE HAS A LOT OF HAIR!”

MIL “WHAT COLOR IS IT?!”

HUSBAND “IT’S BROWN”

MIL “OLIVER. OLIVER. OLIVER, Y DON’T YOU HAVE BLACK HAIR LIKE US? OLIVER GROW SOME BLACK HAIR! PLEASE, OLIVER, GROW SOME BLACK HAIR” 

Meanwhile I am sitting in front of my husband listening to this unfold… I even snapped my finger at my husband and gave him a death stare. And FYI- I am Caucasian and they are Chinese. God forbid my little half asian child resemble his white mama in a single way! Oh and if that wasn’t enough to completely offend me beyond belief I just got an email that sure as hell makes me want to write them off the face of the earth! 

So, I swear- I’m not just a hateful in-law hater. There are reasons. My brother in law is an adult male who is 6’1” and 200+ lbs, he also happens to have fragile X syndrome and is extremely aggressive and volatile towards children. He is dangerous. My son isn’t going to be around him anymore, because we have had too many close encounters.  Despite this, they still bought a condo here without our knowledge so they could come out more and more without ever asking if we were comfortable being around a potentially dangerous situation whenever they are here. 

Which brings me to what happened tonight. My husband finally sent them an email that said that they should come out one by one, solo, without my brother in law during the winter months so they could actually help us out while they are here and watch Oliver. It took a lot of guts for him to finally tell them this, implying that uncle is not welcome out here during our busy season because we don’t have enough time to chauffeur them around and monitor uncle’s reactions. I was so happy. It was what I had wanted. Then I get this reply, and as usual- these asian in laws have apparently neglected to read anything my husband wrote and they’ve got some ideas of their very own! 

“If you would consider OK, we can also have Oliver in Houston for a couple of weeks including connecting front and back weekends during your busiest time.  You can see that we would be able to get more support at our end.  Labor force is a lot more available here.  If necessary, we can hire a live-in helper to stay with Oliver at Havendale.  So our level of help can be more meaningful and not all on my energy level singly.

Anyway, I’m completely open.  Let me know what works best for you.”

While reading this I just about nearly had a heart attack!  To which I read to my husband and he said “WHAT THE FUCK! ABSOLUTELY NO!” 

Um yea. SO I am in full blown crazy inlaw mode again. yay. FML. 

It’s come to the point where I’ve decided that I really just do not like my family. I like my mom,my grandma, my aunt, and thats about it.  And even with them, who are probably the three closest people to me in the world, even then thats a stretch. Especially when they are visiting. 

I guess that’s why I live in a different state. 

As for my brother and sister. They can just go to hell. They are 10 years younger than me and have to be the most disrespectful children I have ever encountered. And the way they act makes me hate the family that I do like. 

So it’s a sad ongoing circle. I wish they were normal. I guess thats what I was supposed to be thinking when I was a teenager, not at age 24 with a husband and a child and a business to run. I need help but apparently not from them, because they’re not very helpful, nor are they nice and polite. 

Sad for me actually typing this out, but I’ve finally come to the realization that this is it and I hate them. The end. 

What a little man I have

Wowwhee. I can’t believe it has nearly been 5 months. My little monster has grown up so much in that small amount of time. I am in awe of him all day every day. I love you Oliver. 

Oh god… I so have baby fever. It doesn’t matter how horrible being pregnant was…. Or how much harder life is now… Or how much my biz is suffering without me there… I just want more babies! Oh yea… Our two baby plan? That’s out the window! Lovelovelove babies!

I fail hopelessly. Blah.

We are good at our business and that’s about it. I hope this is out of our system.

You know you love your baby more than life itself when your exhausted and he is finally asleep yet you feel compelled to wake him up because you miss him smiling and talking to you… 

He is almost 3 months…

Wow does time fly or what? 

Being a mom is much different than you expect, and even if you know what to expect it’s still a flood of emotions that you weren’t planning to tackle at this given point in time. 

I don’t think I’ve particularly had post partum depression but I am definitely more aware now than I was before Oliver arrived. Still, I’ve been feeling slightly down the last few weeks. To be expected. Especially when you are juggling as much as we are. Working for yourself when being a new mom is not advised, especially if your business can’t run itself. I wish I wasn’t so set on having a baby because even though he was planned I think the timing was horrible. I wouldn’t trade him for the world, but I feel just completely drained from this winter. It’s nearly June and I still am just totally worn out. Plus having 5 dogs doesn’t help much either. 

I also didn’t take into account that we have no one here in Utah. I used to have a lot of friends in and around town, but nearly everyone has moved. I feel really alone here. I’ve found more and more that my mom is and will always be my best friend. I love her so much for it, and it’s becoming more apparent that I really wish we were closer. My inlaws on the other hand are not close to my husband or myself and they seem to be over stretching their boundaries more and more. After all they bought a house here when Oliver was 3 days old without even asking or telling us. Chances are I will never let that go, but I am stuck with them and am even less interested in doing anything Chinese because of their recent actions. It’s sad that I feel this way and I wish that I didn’t but I don’t think I can like them after the recent turn of events. I don’t have patients for them anymore, and it would be nice if they showed any interest in learning more about our lives (NOT just about the baby.) 

Anyway. Yea. Thats where I’m at now. I feel like I can’t even think anymore. The free moments I have away from Oliver are spent cleaning. I’m exhausted. Kelvin is home all day because of the nature of our businesses but I’m doing everything. Oliver is growing up and thats helping a lot, it’s a lot easier to get things done now, still exhausted. Zero time for me, thats for sure. 

It’s really hard to get anything business done on my end because in the time Oliver is napping or out of my arms I am usually cleaning or taking care of the dogs. Or just chilling because I am exhausted. Which just makes me feel useless, and as I said- I feel like I can’t even think anymore. 

Marriage is very different now though. If I thought he had no time for ourselves before we certainly have zero time for us now. I’m finally getting to the point of accepting it. Which just makes me sad. I thought we’d be closer through all this, and he is my bestfriend, yet I feel more distant just simply because I am unable to help with the business crap now. 

So, that is mommy-hood. After all the changes and the inability to get anything done I still find myself wanting another, asap. Which just validates that I am crazy. I love him more than anything. 

I am not having a good day. I feel like I am at my breaking point.

I am exhausted.

I haven’t made any progress on losing any of my baby weight, despite making gym time and eating very healthy.

I am extremely frustrated with business progress without me working around the clock like I used to.

I never have time to get anything done.

I am extremely frustrated with breastfeeding. I am not producing enough milk and Oliver wants to eat nearly every hour. I am supplementing and I feel extremely guilty for doing so.

My dogs need me.

I feel distant from my husband.

I am super duper frustrated. I don’t know how moms do it…